Relentless: Motherhood and Electronics

My oldest child is eight and a half. I think the thing I was most unprepared for about motherhood is how relentless it is. I mean, everyone tells you about the sleepless nights and the worrying, but no one ever tells you how it never stops, how motherhood doesn't wait for you to get better at it before flinging problems at you, willy-nilly, never caring if you have the resources to handle it or if you have a clue what to do, and then like bad diarrhea, it just keeps happening over and over and over and over.

Did someone say fish tacos?

(Image from here--this is no reflection on this recipe, which I'm sure is great! Just a randomly selected photo, promise.)

I've been thinking all about my little family and what I want for us. We are far from what I want for us. It's no secret I'm bipolar type II. This comes with all sorts of challenges as a mother, mostly feeling so inadequate for what I want to be for my children. I've been on medication for 10 months and it is helping, but not enough. I want to be more, dang it! Most of the time, I feel like I'm hanging out in low level depression mode. I can function enough to take care of them, but not enough to really be the type of mom I want to be.

I'm not sure what has infected our family lately. Perpetual bad mood? A visit from the grumpy fairy who sprinkled us with grouchy dust? We got hit with the irritable stick? It's like crankiness has exploded in here. One of my sons is such a challenging little guy. I'm at a loss. I keep thinking I need to get professional help, and I need to do that, I need to need to need to. I guess maybe I am typing this to put it out there to make myself do that?  I'm exhausted in attempting to deal with the situation. I could probably write a Lifetime movie to explain all the interactions and how we got here, but my heart breaks to see him in such a place and yet I am so frustrated with his outbursts, the way he can't stop annoying/pestering/fighting with everyone in the family, his defiance at everything I say, the fits, the way he can't seem to stop hurting his siblings. These are things we don't tolerate in our family. He doesn't go unpunished, but yet I try to not make him the bad guy as he seems to have already cast himself in that role. A few years ago, his self-esteem was horribly low, so I've been working with him on that and I know he feels much better about himself now, yet the behavior has become so intolerable the last few months. Much, much worse than it has ever been before. It doesn't seem to matter what approach I take, the behavior continues.

I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. And with my mental health, that's not some hyperbolic breakdown. That's like a real threat (don't tell anyone, but sometimes I kind of wish for a breakdown, because then I could have the "break" in breakdown, but so far, my brain only thinks it's on the verge of a breakdown and I seem to be made of non-breakdown bipolar stuff, instead of the type that does have breakdowns, but you never know! Could happen! I know that breakdowns are awful, so I shouldn't say that last part so cheerfully, but when you are desperate, you are desperate).

Anyway, if you've made it past those very depressing paragraphs (if my tone has seemed off the last few months, now you know why), I guess I've come to the point of this post! At last! My husband and I have been talking about going unplugged for the rest of the summer. It's hard to admit, but I let the kids watch way too much TV and play way too many video games, even if they are the educational ones on the computer for the most part. And I watch way too much TV and spend too much time surfing the web. I know it contributes to my depression and I think it's contributing to the way our home feels. We don't spend enough time together. I don't spend enough time with the kids. I want my home to be a place where I'm happy to be, not a place I fantasize about escaping from (I know a certain amount of that is normal, but we probably passed that point about six? seven? eight? weeks ago).

For the super ironic part, I am planning on blogging about the experience! Go ahead, you may laugh at my folly now! For how else should the modern world work, if we could not write about and share our experiences of giving up electronics through electronic devices? I'm planning on popping in here every so often and letting you know how we are doing and of course, doing some craft-related blogging as usual. So, mostly I guess I'm giving up mindless web-surfing and keeping the computer on all day, not all my computer usage. After all, tomorrow morning, I'm planning on googling sewing machine repair shops. Finally.

I've started a new blog: Come follow my crafting adventures on my new blog. Find me at: creativeirony.com.

New Photos of Me: Finally a Good One

A few weeks ago, I had David take some photos of me in the backyard. I've been thinking for a while that I needed some new ones for the blog.

It did not go well.

I'm turning my blog into a bit of a confessional. A Mormon confessional. I have a lot of body issues--meaning, I generally don't like mine. I don't want to not like my body. I want my issues to go far far away. I'm working on it, but it's such a tough issue. Intellectually, I know I'm not close to overweight. My BMI is near the top of the healthy range, but it's in the healthy range. I've recently been changing my diet to include a lot of whole grains and tons more veggies. I haven't had a frozen pizza in weeks. Ice cream is a different matter entirely. Oh well, we all have our vices.

I'm not perfect at exercising (especially lately, as we've been playing musical cars, someday I'll do a post on it), so it's been harder to get to the gym. But I'm in pretty decent shape. I can get my heart rate up and keep it there.

There are features about myself that I really like. I love my naturally tan skin. I love my full lips and my smile. I think I have very pretty hands. I have a good nose.

I also firmly believe that everyone has things that are beautiful about them.

So why is it that when I look at a picture of myself, all I see are the flaws? I know so many women who struggle with this. It's so sad. I really want to love my body. I think in many ways, it's amazing what it can do. Heck, there are four beautiful children running around creating chaos that are a testament to the amazing things this body can do. Must focus on those things and not the stupid, superficial things that don't even matter. And things I don't even care about or notice in other people, only in myself.

Oooo, let's blame the media and social conditioning. You probably don't want to get me started on all that. I could rant and rant, but I think I'm too tried for all that today.

Anyway, I had David try again on Monday. It went better this time.

Cute, no? No idea why I tend to squish myself all down--I have the worst posture. I do have a neck, promise. Still I like them a lot for the most part.

And then I saw this one. There might have been actual squealing. Pig noises. I think I refrained from grunting. You'd have to ask David.

Because I love that photo. I think I want to walk around looking like that all time--might look a bit strange while riding roller coasters or cooking, but I'd take it. It's a little bit "Glamour Shots by Deb," but dang, who cares, because I actually like this one! I bet I could even wallpaper one of the walls of our master bedroom with it and David wouldn't mind, right? Maybe we could cut the lawn to look like it? Or perhaps tile the bathroom floor? I don't know, but it's my favorite picture of myself, ever. Pardon my excitement.

I kind of want to change out all the various and assorted photos of me on the blog for this one.

Do you like another one better? Do you think it's too serious for my blog? I wouldn't call this a serious blog (most of the time). Thoughts? Opinions? Slaps for my strange body dislike? Any calls to repentance for being so hard on myself? Or for loving that photo too much?

I've started a new blog: Come follow my crafting adventures on my new blog. Find me at: creativeirony.com.

A New Normal?

I don't have a giveaway put together yet.

I'm disappointed that I haven't made it there yet. My readers are so important to me. I read all your comments. More than read. I devour your comments. I wait for your comments. I even sometimes track down your blogs and read and read. I love that people find value in my ramblings and my projects.

I've had quite the week.

I lost two days last week to the new medication. More on that later in this post. Then they called and asked us to speak on church on Sunday. In the LDS faith, we have a lay clergy, so we take turns speaking. We spoke before we left our last ward, and they really like to get you going and coming, so they asked us again when we moved into our new ward. I actually enjoy speaking, but I generally like to have more than three days notice. David and I decided to sing too, which is added pressure. So, I had a talk to write, and then give. Went pretty well. David spoke first, which made me cry. Then we sang, and then I cried though a lot of mine, but managed to make it through ok.

Saturday was Lagoon day for David's company work. A magazine asked for some last minute work (due tomorrow, still working on them). Then my sister and I got invited to an amazing cooking class in Layton (an 1.5 hour drive) on Tuesday night, which was another incredible and delicious experience (more on that in another post I'm sure), and then we headed back to go to the midnight showing of Eclipse (I know, I know, bad feminist. Warning, slight spoiler ahead: Actually, my only major issue from a feminist point of view is when Edward disconnects Bella's truck to prevent her from seeing Jacob and then tells her it's because he's worried about her safety. Can you say abusive and controlling much?)

Image from Here

Sigh. My give away never made it to the top of my to do list. I'm going to get there. I am.

In other news, I'm feeling so so so good on this medication. I did get a migraine yesterday. Not surprising with all the stress lately, but it was my first in a week, which is a lot less often then I have been getting them.

I feel great. I feel like my old self. I feel like I did when I was a teenager, which I think must be normal for me. It's really hard to tell, because I've been not normal for so long. I'm suddenly very silly.

Like yesterday, I was getting ready for Eclipse. I had half my hair clipped up on my head while I'm straightening it, and I was wandering about the house, doing something else, and Maxton tells me my hair looks silly. My eyebrows go up.

"Oh really? You don't like it? This is my new hairstyle? I love it. It's very funky and cool. It looks like a dead animal."

At this point, I start petting my hair.

"I named him Seymour. He's my pet. I like him. Would you like to pet him?" I bend over. "Yep, and later, I'm going to put tuna in him, so he smells really gross, and them I'm going to rub Seymour on your bellies, so you stink too. Don't you think that's the best idea ever?"

Yeah, my Xander and Maxton are giggling hysterically at this point, because they are boys, and they are seven and six years old. And it doesn't stop. I randomly come up with this stuff all the time. I'm not sure if that's normal me, of if I'm so damn happy I'm not feeling depressed all the time now.

And the other day, I'm walking downstairs to watch a movie with David, and I see this beautiful tree lit up by the setting sun, and it's beautiful. Time just stops for a second, and I get so full inside. I feel lifted up, divine for a moment. I used to feel that way about nature all the time. It's been years since I felt that way. In Emily of New Moon, the title character has a similar experience and she calls it the flash (sort of funny considering later comic book characters, but go with me here). I knew exactly what LM Montgomery meant when she wrote about Emily's flash. It's like communing with God through nature, but more that you're a part of the earth, connected to it, one with the beauty of it and its energy. I can't describe it better than that.

This picture isn't that great, owing to the fact that I took it out the window this morning, whist wearing my underwear, and so it's really cropped and the wrong light, but I thought you might want to see it anyway. Least you can't see me in my skivvies. David, I can hear what you're thinking.

People, I haven't had the flash in years! Years! (Considering the proceeding paragraphs, there are all kinds of directions my dirty mind is going with that sentence. Oh, the possibilities of humor. I'll let you decide how to interpret it and I'll leave it alone.)

I told David about it and pointed out the tree. It's a bit more yellow than normal. David sprayed trees for a summer at one point in our marriage, so he knows a bit about tree health. My tree is iron deficient. Perhaps that's why I relate to it, having been iron deficient myself at several points in my life.

Anyway, I was thinking about this normal thing and how weird it all is as I came home from the gym on Monday, and I had an idea for a poem. I have composition books full of (bad) poetry from when I was a teenager, and yet only a handful of (bad) poems from my adult life. Another example of how not normal I've been.

I can't believe it's taken me so long to get something that works for me. I hope I can continue to find things that work. I feel like a miracle.

Anyway, here's the poem I wrote. And yes, our second car is acting up, and we've quit driving it for now until we can figure out what is really going on with it. Hopefully the adage that things break in threes is right, because after the AC, the dishwasher and the car, I can't take anymore. At least my brain is better for now.

Normal is slippery.

Last week, a wire failed
in my husband’s car.
When he was going 60 on the highway,
it showed 90,
and when he came to a complete stop in our driveway,
it showed 45

I feel like a broken speedometer. Is it normal
to cry a little every night? Am I broken because
I can’t stand the texture of rice? or because the white pieces around the rim
of an orange slice prevent the explosion of plump juice in my mouth,
an experience I had so long ago I can barely remember it? Or am I out of order because I wait till the last second to pee, then walk calmly to the bathroom,
hiding the way my bladder presses as full as the orange I won’t ever eat?
Is it normal to inwardly roll your eyes at every demand of your six year old? to never feel hope?
Or to lie a little in each poem?
My baseline is all out of wack.
I need an adjustment, a tinkering, an instruction manual,
(with clear definitions of normal bathroom and sexual practices).
I’ve not been my own normal in so long,
I can’t gauge my own normal,
(the needle jerks and bounces, and stops and starts, like riding a bike with flat tires
clump clump. clump clump.)
let alone my normal compared to everyone else’s normal.

Normal is slippery.

I've started a new blog: Come follow my crafting adventures on my new blog. Find me at: creativeirony.com.

Health Issues/300 Followers/Awesome News

I went on some new medication last night, and I can barely keep my eyes open this morning. Actually it's afternoon. See what I mean? I feel out of it.

When I was a teenager, I started to get migraines. Not too bad, usually once a month, and they wouldn't last too long. Over the years, they've slowly been accelerating, and I now get three or four a week.

I know, yuck, right?

Mostly, I can get rid of them, but it's just not fun to even start that many, so my doctor and I decided to try preventative medication. I've been on some before, and it helped a lot, but then I fell into the trap of hoping I'd interupted some sort of migraine cycle, and once they were gone, I wouldn't get them as often any more. Nope.

Also, I've mentioned this briefly on the blog before, but I also get depression from time to time. This started in my early twenties, when I was pregnant with Xander. For a few years, I've been wondering if I was bipolar II. Bipolar II is a sort of milder form of bipolar disorder, where generally the highs (or manias) aren't as high. It can really vary a lot. I tend to have sort of low lows and then just slight manic times.

I tried googling images for this post, and there are a lot of happy/sad photos, but I don't think that captures it. It's more like despair and euphoria with a touch of madness.

I like this one:

If you've ever caught me in a manic state, I'm quite hysterical. I talk more quickly than normal. I feel wonderful. I want to do twenty projects and I want to do them all at once. I tend to buy a lot of craft supplies and start projects and not finish them. I also get goofy. The depression is another story. Ug, I hate that part.


I actually deal quite well with it most of the time (could be so much worse), and the exercise helps a lot. But, it still impairs my function. And it can be exhausting. I'm never sure when I get up in the morning if I'm going to cope ok, or if I'm going to spend the day not coping. I'll spare you the details.

So, at an appointment yesterday, my doctor diagnosed me bipolar II. I'd known for a while that migraines and bipolar disorder were linked, but I was surprised that there was one medication that could potentially treat both. So, I'm trying it out. So far, I feel good, but very, very sleepy. Hopefully that will go away.

If you're the praying sort, I could use some prayers that we get a handle on this. Any sort of mental illness is a journey, and I'm feeling very hopeful about finding a good balance that works for me.

In other news, Craftastical! reached 300 followers a little bit back! I'm thrilled! Seriously, I can't believe my little blog has attracted so many new readers. I'm planning a little give-away to celebrate. I need to get my act together. Maybe if I put it out there now, I will feel more committed to put something up next week. So, check back. And it looks like I might hit 350 soon.

Also, do you remember this shadow box frame I made from dollar store frames?

Well, last week, The CSI Project had a little contest, judged by Heather from Dollar Store Crafts. I hadn't ever entered one of their contests, but I knew I had to put a link to my shadow box up there. I was thrilled to see I made the top ten.

Heather stopped by and left this comment on my project:

Hi! I just wanted to stop by and say congrats! I didn't have time to comment when I was judging the CSI entries last week. You did a great job! I love your project because you had an item you wanted (a shadowbox) and you figured out a good way to use dollar store stuff to make the thing you wanted. To me, that's the essence of shopping at the dollar store for craft supplies!

How amazing is that!?!

Thanks so much to Heather and The CSI Project! I'm going to be stopping by a lot more often now.

I've started a new blog: Come follow my crafting adventures on my new blog. Find me at: creativeirony.com.

Project Progress: Crafty Organization Week 6

Obviously, the cruise has thrown a little bump in my organizational progress. This week was a very light week, but I want to share, because I'm super excited about it.

First of all, I have to apologize for my tone last week. I wrote it before going on the cruise and in a slightly bad/discouraged mood. I usually don't write when I feel like that, since I basically try to limit my dark moods to my own mind and not to the blog, where I try to be basically positive, if a bit wry/cynical. If you don't know already, I have depression which tends to pop up (or pop down, if you want to be more accurate about it) from time to time. It sucks, but I basically have it under control with exercise, but it's not a perfect method. I've tried medications, but nothing has worked for me and I can't stand the side effects, so here we are.

Anyway, on to the positive things! I've been obsessively looking for affordable glass jars to house my ribbons and flowers. They are so pretty that it seemed a shame to have them put away in a drawer. I was seriously considering these jars from IKEA, but I'm not terribly fond of the shape or the lid, but they were the right price at $2.99 and the right size at 61 oz. I have a lot of ribbon.

Still, I couldn't commit to them. Plus, we are lucky enough to have an IKEA about 40 minutes away, but still, driving 40 minutes to buy 15 glass jars seems a bit. . .wasteful to me, but I don't want to pay for shipping very much either. Plus, I can be a bit of a penny pincher and spending $50 on organization all at once was not appealing to me. I feel much better if I spend $10 here and there. Weird, but there you have it.

So, David suggested to me that I buy them a few at a time from Saver's, my local thrift store. I went yesterday, because they have dollar Monday, where all the tags of a certain color are $1. That is the kind of price I can get behind. I was sort of surprised that some of their jars were $5 and $6 dollars, but I managed to find some that were the type I was looking for and the price I wanted. I think I spent about $5 on jars, and the two little ones, I already had. I love the idea of an eclectic collection and I will be buying them a few at a time as I come across them. I have to buy bigger ones though because yellow and purple were my smallest groupings and I have a whole lot more pink and blue ribbon.

The pictures aren't great because, well, we live in a basement and I had to use the flash, but you get the idea. I'm putting them on the top of my bookcase for now, but I plan to put them on shelves once I get into my more permanent place. I took them when I'm still suffering from a bit of vertigo from the cruise and I had to stand on a chair and that just proves how much I love all my blog readers, because I risked life and limb to get that shot (hyperbole, much?).

Much better than plastic baggies, don't you think?

I've started a new blog: Come follow my crafting adventures on my new blog. Find me at: creativeirony.com.

Exercise: Why I Hate It

I’m trying to lose weight. I like being skinny. I like my clothes to fit. I’ve been slowly losing both of those over the last year. I’m not sure what to blame. I’m betting that being depressed and on medications on and off has something to do with it. I like food and hate exercise. Another problem is that I’ve always been able to eat whatever I want, not exercise and still be disgustingly perfect. I still think I should be able to do that and “eat whatever I want” has come to mean Costco sized portions of cheese and chocolate. I have never weighed this much while not being pregnant/losing weight after being pregnant.

So, this came to a crisis came to a head when I went to the doctor and they weighed me and the number was 168. I just about flipped. In high school, I was 150 and the perfect weight (I’m tall and have heavy bones, so 150 was just right skinny for me). I’d been avoiding the scales, because I knew I was not going to be happy with what I saw. Luckily, ours is broken, so it's been easy to do.

After Xander, I got down to 135 and that was way too skinny. My head looks huge in pictures. See:

I mean, I wouldn’t mind being that skinny all the time, but it’s really too skinny to be realistic. I look a bit sick. Or like I’m a female doctor on a medical drama. Ever notice how those girls always have tiny bodies and huge-o heads and their teeth look like they could at any moment elongate and eat a patient?

Right now, I’m about here:

I’d like to be right in between those two. Around 156 or so. Like the picture below. That is me in Vegas 14 months ago. Perfection! (Except for that double chin. Only because I was looking down! I swear!).

Two weeks ago, I started getting up the willpower. I’m done being like this. I hate how my pants don’t fit. My clothes have clearly had it too. My “fat” pair of jeans has given up the fight and will no longer stay zipped. Poor zipper looks like it’s trying to escape to Mexico. Then another beloved pair of pants split in the booty. This made me muy muy sad and I’m only holding it together by telling myself that they were beloved and very, very worn. My clothes are screaming for help.

Over the past two weeks, I haven’t been eating candy. I’ve been cutting down on cheese, snacks and fast food. I even exercised. Twice. This is a huge deal.

I hate to exercise. Here are the steps I take when I’m going to exercise. I make sure to follow them to the letter every time:

1. Dread working out. Make David make me agree to exercise. Make David hand me my shoes. Make David agree to be tortured with me. Make David make me leave the house. Poor David.
2. Change into exercise clothes. I hate changing my clothes. Really. I try to only do it once a day. You have to decide what to wear, which is always difficult. You are creating laundry, which I despise. Laundry and I have a feud going that stretches long back into my childhood. You have do decide if things go together. I’m over it, and have been since I started dressing myself all those long years ago. When I was in high school, I slept in my clothes to avoid having to take them off at night and put on a pair of pajamas. If you exercise, you have to put on special clothes, then they make you change back into regular clothes after you are done and usually after a shower, which is a whole ‘nother ball of venting wax. Having to get ready after taking a shower is about the only time I wish I were a man.
3. Figure out what to do with four small children. Make David ask my mom to watch them for us. Poor David.
4. Spend the whole time wanting to stop, wanting to puke, or wanting to stop to puke, or wanting to puke so you can stop. Exercising makes me physically ill. This is why I never exercise enough to stop feeling like that. I try to take it easy. Really, I do. I just don’t realize that my definition of “easy” really means “slow walk.”
5. Come home after 15 eternal minutes and die on the bed. Refuse to get dressed. Refuse to move. Drink water so I’ll stop feeling like I’m going to puke. Almost puke after drinking too much water.
6. WAIT! I feel good! I feel endorphins! WOW. I love exercise. I’m going to do this every day!
7. Lie awake in bed until 1:00 am. Kids get up at 6:30.
8. Wake up the next morning and everything hurts. I’m never exercising again.

You can see why this is an effort. I really need to just suck it up, feel like puking for a few weeks, and get into a routine.

By the way, I weighed myself yesterday. I gained three pounds.

I've started a new blog: Come follow my crafting adventures on my new blog. Find me at: creativeirony.com.

I think I've been banned!

I'm not sure what to think! I've been going to a website, twopeasinabucket.com, since Xander was first born. Yep, over five years now. It's the best place on the web to find anything you want to know about scrapbooking. It's where I picked up all sorts of tips and tricks, where I found great deals and most importantly, where I'd been going for support with my depression.

I haven't been able to get on for over a week. I chalked it up to the website being down, although it's never been down for that long. I was missing it, especially because I'd started a thread about how hard it is to keep my house clean with depression and I'd received a ton of support, suggestions and email and I was eager to go check. I was reading elsewhere on the web and someone mentioned being on 2peas recently, and then I realized that the site wasn't down, that something else was going on here!

I can't think of why I'd be banned, other than I created an alternate ID. I used it to get support when I was first trying to get help for my depression. I'd been blasted a few times on there, especially being in the published scrapbooking arena, you can come up against a lot of harsh criticism and I didn't feel like I could mentally take anything negative being said when I was in such a delicate mental state. I'm feeling much stronger now and had transitioned into using my regular id to post about my concerns.

I'm not sure what to think. On the one hand, I think it's kind of funny that I might have been banned, especially considering the crap that goes on there that I was never party to. I can't believe I might have done something so against the rules as to get me banned. Not, good, little, conformist Kara! On the other hand, I'm upset because I did nothing wrong, I've been a member for a long, long time and I didn't get an email or notification or anything. I'm also thinking that maybe it's just a mistake? 2peas is notorious for uneven and even unjust moderating--threads that should get pulled stay while others get pulled for very little reason.

Or maybe there's something wacky going on with both our computers? Weird.

I've started a new blog: Come follow my crafting adventures on my new blog. Find me at: creativeirony.com.

I'm Having a Hard Time Right Now

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. Things have been crazy around here. Some of you might not know that I suffer from depression. For the first time, I went to see a doctor about it about three months ago. I got on some medication which was like a miracle. It really helped me be more even, have more energy and it was so much easier to control my thoughts. Unfortunately, in the last week, it stopped working, and I had a very bad low. Worse than when I'm not on medication. It quite freaked me out. Usually my depression just makes me seem really lazy and mellow and sad, but not so that you could tell. People might just find me grumpy with low self esteem. But last week was real depression with crying and everything. I even lost interest in reading! After a few days of this, I stopped taking my meds, which helped. I really need to do something else, but that kind of explains my absense from things.

Aubrey is still sick. Last Monday I took her to the doctor again with a high fever. Another ear infection, or rather, one that hasn't gone away yet. She's been very cranky, waking up four plus times a night. And on top of the ear infection, she is teething. Yay. Poor thing. Poor mommy. I really need more regular sleep. I had a very bad migraine yesterday because of a combination of hormones and little sleep (been getting them 2-3 times a week lately). It got so bad that David took me to the UrgentCare, where we waiting for two hours to be seen. But at last I saw a doctor and they gave me two shots, which were pretty painful (right in the hip). I was thinking for a bit that the cure was worse than the headache. It did help a lot though, and by the time I fell asleep at 12:20, the pain was almost gone, both from the shots and the headache. Another benefit is that I was supposed to pump for 6-8 hours, which means that David got to take over the night feedings. She ate right before we all fell asleep at 12:20 and another time during the night, no idea what time! Hehe! Thanks, hon, you're the best. I woke up this morning feeling great!

I've been wanting to wean Aubrey, because I know it will help with the depression--one of the many reasons I don't love breastfeeding, but she would refuse to take a bottle or sippy cup. When I got up, she was happy to take one after the two she got from Daddy last night. So, nows the time to make a choice. I think I will keep on with the bottles. I'm just not sure I can keep the breastfeeding up. She's already the longest I've ever made it (I weaned Xander at 6 months, Griffin and Maxton were 9 months, Aubriana is almost 10 months). I know some women love to breastfeed, and while I love the closeness and providing for my baby, it messes with my hormones so badly and does weird things to my personality. I pretty much loathe it. Poor David. I'm not sure if he or I even know what I'm like normally! :P I've been pregnant or breastfeeding for most of our marriage (something like 6 months out of the last 6.5 years I've not been pg or bf).

Anyways, that's my exciting life. Really, we're going to be ok. I'm planning on seeing the doctor again to talk about the depression and the migraines. And soon Aubrey will get her tooth and figure out that screaming all night is not fun. :)

To close, some pictures of Aubrey at the egg hunt we had for the kids at my mom's house last Tuesday. She was surprisingly interested in the contents. She would lean the bucket over, grab whatever was closest and try to shove it in her mouth before I could move the bucket and take out the soggy wrapper. I kept letting her try, just because it was so DARN CUTE.

I've started a new blog: Come follow my crafting adventures on my new blog. Find me at: creativeirony.com.